*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I put the hot in psychotic.
Never be a pizza!
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.