[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.