[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Noah was an idiot.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??