<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*lint rolls you awake*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single