<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.