At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You Might Also Like
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.