[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…