[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
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Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”