[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Super Hand Dog Face
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Where’s my employee discount too?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?