Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead