{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss