[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My neck, my back, my…
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned