[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.