my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?