[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You Might Also Like
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.