Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Looking at you, Jesus.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]