[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
inside you are two wolves
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”