[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
You Might Also Like
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
💁🏻♂️
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.