[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?