I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Always
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat