Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You Might Also Like
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Those are good neighbors.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.