[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I鈥檇 been putting off for 3 months
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I鈥檓 too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn鈥檛 take an edible so I have to act like I鈥檓 not high it鈥檚 almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The French word for sex is croissant.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It鈥檚 never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it鈥檚 always Hey Josh, I鈥檓 Daryl your court appointed attorney
if I ever have a daughter I鈥檓 gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360掳 and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you鈥檙e a DOG
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”