[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Catering service