[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Put the is in disheveled
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.