[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same