(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You Might Also Like
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.