[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉