[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
He’s cranky this morning
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
c’mon!