At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?