At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.