@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."
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@VodkaThursday: Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?
@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"
@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
@dixonshuman: It's like my cat doesn't realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.