@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."
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@envydatropic: They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress.........THEY DON'T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
@thedailymarker: Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.
@daemonic3: Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex