If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
You Might Also Like
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.