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@Jay_FrickinLynn: [At make-up counter]
But does this lipstick come off of a taint?
@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry
Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name
@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.
@skankymunter: Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
@better_off_dad: Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
@Dr_Teflon: *Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*
I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!
Me- no babe I'm not moving back in