At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings