[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.