[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
sistine chapel
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF