“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance