At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Cat.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If looks could kill
“Huge”.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that