@RideSallyRide69: At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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@decentbirthday: Barista: Latte for Waldo Barista: Do we have a Waldo here Barista: Where's Waldo Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
@iwearaonesie: *pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
@KalvinMacleod: DOG 911: what's the emergency? DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it DOG 911: did u check his hand? DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
@JermHimselfish: Sorry I didn't text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.