We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
haha same
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??