Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You Might Also Like
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
How to properly lift a body
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Tough love is true love