*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
oppen heimer style lol
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day