*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”