At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much