At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.