At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.