@Moldy_Jellybean: At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I'm not going.
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@vexroid: Cell phone. Recliner. Beer. Not at work. This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"
@werehedgehog: *yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened*
@nicfit75: Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults. How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.