At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.