@bridger_w: At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
@duplicitron: I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
@BoscoPorter: Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you