@Tmoney68: At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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@Dani_Feld: Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: *cries* Dr: Um, are you sexually- Me: *cries harder* Dr: .....Ok. Do you drink? Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
@LackOfShame: The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
@anagramps: "My nose is going to grow now" said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
@panmidwest: [Walk into a Cat Cafe] Me-I've never eaten cat. What do you recommend? Lady-They're for adopting not eating M-Oh, well can I adopt one? L-No