At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.