@Tmoney68: At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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@ArielDumas: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Nothing. Cat: You were looking at younger cats again. Me: No Cat: Show me your Instagram feed. Me: No way.
@emireecraire: Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter
@baconacid: Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
@garrettbarry70: [At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."