At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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Said the murderer.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.