@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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@ShittyComedian: I like how all these people are acting like they've never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
@gmossii: Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
@HatfieldAnne: When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
@sarcasm_inc: HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR 911: Sir, u need to pull over WHAT 911: Use your other ear, sir WHAT