[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did