*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is